@LaTanyaSothern Lately, we have been hearing a lot about the evils of the “helicopter parent.” Stories of parents who “hover” closely over their children as they attempt to complete school activities, engage with other students, and communicate with teachers and staff have permeated the contemporary culture. Unfortunately, many of these stories paint these helicopter parents' efforts as damaging, interfering, and debilitating to developing independence, resilience, and self-advocacy skills for students.
The advent of the COVID 19 pandemic and virtual instruction has only underscored this perception. Educators have reported parents who are relentless with assisting, intervening, and sometimes completing students’ work. At the same time, they sit in front of frustrated educators who cannot apply boundaries at a distance. Educators saw their efforts to educate children during the most challenging time in modern educational history as meaningless as they cannot appropriately assess student ability without authentic work. Well-meaning parents trying to manage and facilitate learning with a skillset for which they were never prepared had difficulty sitting by while watching their children struggle and fail at specific tasks. How will we transition as many parents will be forced to let go of some of the “control” they had during the pandemic to a more traditional structure as in-person instruction looms? What can we do as a community to ensure parents and students have the tools they need to support student success?
As a public school administrator, I see my responsibility as trying to bring both sides to a mutual understanding. Naturally, I coach my teachers to take on the parent’s perspective, exercise patience, and, ultimately, understand that we can only control so much. But as a mother of two children, one with an IEP and one with executive functioning issues, I also want to be sure I give my parents the tools they need to parent more effectively BECAUSE I GET IT! I’m right there in the trenches, trying to ensure my children are as independent as possible but still understanding that they need monitoring, guidance, and coaching.
So let’s revisit the analogy of the helicopter parent. Helicopters have a variety of uses: observation, transport, emergency services. Helicopters monitor traffic and weather; they move people from point A to point B without engaging in on-ground traffic. They transport victims from accidents to get them much-needed care - and there are so many other purposes. They are also valued for efficiently dropping into a specified spot and just as efficiently ascend from that spot, unlike an airplane that needs sufficient space to build the velocity to take off. A helicopter hovers, but most times, it’s not too close (because the results could be tragic if so!) Most helicopters we see are far enough away to see their presence, but their presence does not impact what we do. Also, helicopters descend, manage a task (like embarking/disembarking), then ascend again into the sky - carefully watching what’s happening on the ground without actually being a part of the action. Helicopters who are involved with everyday traffic on the ground usually cause significant issues, and who wants that?
As effective parents, we MUST be helicopters! This season has taught us a lot while most of us have been home with our children. For many of us, it has shown us where our children have been strong and areas where they need growth. We must engage and monitor without disrupting the “traffic” for our children to be successful. So what should we do to get helicopter parenting right?
● Develop a relationship with the approach and departure air traffic controller - the classroom teacher. Because this person has the best perspective on what’s happening “on the ground,'' he/she is the ideal person to let you know under what conditions, times, and locations are best for you to “drop in.” But, again, communication is critical, and it may be best to initiate the conversation if you feel more comfortable with that.
● If the communication from the approach and departure controller is not efficient, make multiple attempts before you decide to communicate with the tower controller (school administrator.) The tower controller sees things from a different perspective and may give you another entry point to communicating with the approach and departure controller. Even so, be sure to respect the protocol of the building. I personally do not like to overstep my teachers in a conversation and redirect parents back to the teacher if they have not first had that conversation as a matter of courtesy.
● Monitor your child’s progress from afar, but zone in when needed. This looks different depending on the child’s age. We should know our children well enough to understand the balance. Take cues from the classroom teacher - they will give you insight on what is too much or too little.
● Fly at a distance as long as you can. At times you may need to drop in, check-in, refuel, and retake flight, but relish the moments when you do not have to drop in.
● Value and celebrate your child’s ability to function without your flying close, especially when they are struggling. Also, value the struggle! Children learn most efficiently through “productive struggle.” They have to be left to “work it out” independently for authentic learning to take place.
● Be mindful of the weather and how the environment influences your ability to fly at a distance. Has your child had a recent traumatic loss? Are they struggling with anxiety? Depression? Some other mental health issues? Communicate with the air traffic controller, turn off your blades, stay close, but make a plan to separate as soon as you can.
● Finally, ensure you get your scheduled maintenance. How are you caring for yourself? Do you schedule “me time''?” Being a great helicopter can be a fulfilling but energy-draining task. Be sure you have what it takes to support your scholar effectively.
I am sure we could draw many other parallels, but if we (because remember, I’m a parent too!) keep these in mind as we begin to prepare for the new school season, we can more efficiently support our scholars into having a successful school year. And if we make adjustments as we go - monitoring, assessing, and shifting- we can use these concepts and skills throughout our children’s school careers to support student success.
LaTanya S. Sothern has been an educator for over 25 years. She is a passionate supporter of children and ensuring equity in education for all students. A native Washingtonian, she holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Public Communication and Economics from American University and a Master of Arts in Teaching with a concentration in Early Childhood Education from Howard University. She is currently pursuing her doctorate in School System Leadership at the University of Maryland College Park. Ms. Sothern is certified in Early Childhood Education, Special Education, and School Administration, and is National Board Certified as an Early Childhood Generalist. She serves as a Principal in Prince George's County Public Schools, where her instructional leadership has also included district-wide professional development, mentoring teachers, and creative community outreach initiatives. Ms. Sothern is an entrepreneur and a published author of two books that have been featured by both the NAACP and Congressional Black Caucus conventions. Ms. Sothern is the 2018 recipient of the ACHI Magazine DMV Educator of the Year and the American University NAACP Mentor of the Year awards. She and her husband Greg support married couples with special needs children through coaching and mentoring. They have been happily married for over 20 years and reside in Prince George’s County, Maryland with their two sons.
The advent of the COVID 19 pandemic and virtual instruction has only underscored this perception. Educators have reported parents who are relentless with assisting, intervening, and sometimes completing students’ work. At the same time, they sit in front of frustrated educators who cannot apply boundaries at a distance. Educators saw their efforts to educate children during the most challenging time in modern educational history as meaningless as they cannot appropriately assess student ability without authentic work. Well-meaning parents trying to manage and facilitate learning with a skillset for which they were never prepared had difficulty sitting by while watching their children struggle and fail at specific tasks. How will we transition as many parents will be forced to let go of some of the “control” they had during the pandemic to a more traditional structure as in-person instruction looms? What can we do as a community to ensure parents and students have the tools they need to support student success?
As a public school administrator, I see my responsibility as trying to bring both sides to a mutual understanding. Naturally, I coach my teachers to take on the parent’s perspective, exercise patience, and, ultimately, understand that we can only control so much. But as a mother of two children, one with an IEP and one with executive functioning issues, I also want to be sure I give my parents the tools they need to parent more effectively BECAUSE I GET IT! I’m right there in the trenches, trying to ensure my children are as independent as possible but still understanding that they need monitoring, guidance, and coaching.
So let’s revisit the analogy of the helicopter parent. Helicopters have a variety of uses: observation, transport, emergency services. Helicopters monitor traffic and weather; they move people from point A to point B without engaging in on-ground traffic. They transport victims from accidents to get them much-needed care - and there are so many other purposes. They are also valued for efficiently dropping into a specified spot and just as efficiently ascend from that spot, unlike an airplane that needs sufficient space to build the velocity to take off. A helicopter hovers, but most times, it’s not too close (because the results could be tragic if so!) Most helicopters we see are far enough away to see their presence, but their presence does not impact what we do. Also, helicopters descend, manage a task (like embarking/disembarking), then ascend again into the sky - carefully watching what’s happening on the ground without actually being a part of the action. Helicopters who are involved with everyday traffic on the ground usually cause significant issues, and who wants that?
As effective parents, we MUST be helicopters! This season has taught us a lot while most of us have been home with our children. For many of us, it has shown us where our children have been strong and areas where they need growth. We must engage and monitor without disrupting the “traffic” for our children to be successful. So what should we do to get helicopter parenting right?
● Develop a relationship with the approach and departure air traffic controller - the classroom teacher. Because this person has the best perspective on what’s happening “on the ground,'' he/she is the ideal person to let you know under what conditions, times, and locations are best for you to “drop in.” But, again, communication is critical, and it may be best to initiate the conversation if you feel more comfortable with that.
● If the communication from the approach and departure controller is not efficient, make multiple attempts before you decide to communicate with the tower controller (school administrator.) The tower controller sees things from a different perspective and may give you another entry point to communicating with the approach and departure controller. Even so, be sure to respect the protocol of the building. I personally do not like to overstep my teachers in a conversation and redirect parents back to the teacher if they have not first had that conversation as a matter of courtesy.
● Monitor your child’s progress from afar, but zone in when needed. This looks different depending on the child’s age. We should know our children well enough to understand the balance. Take cues from the classroom teacher - they will give you insight on what is too much or too little.
● Fly at a distance as long as you can. At times you may need to drop in, check-in, refuel, and retake flight, but relish the moments when you do not have to drop in.
● Value and celebrate your child’s ability to function without your flying close, especially when they are struggling. Also, value the struggle! Children learn most efficiently through “productive struggle.” They have to be left to “work it out” independently for authentic learning to take place.
● Be mindful of the weather and how the environment influences your ability to fly at a distance. Has your child had a recent traumatic loss? Are they struggling with anxiety? Depression? Some other mental health issues? Communicate with the air traffic controller, turn off your blades, stay close, but make a plan to separate as soon as you can.
● Finally, ensure you get your scheduled maintenance. How are you caring for yourself? Do you schedule “me time''?” Being a great helicopter can be a fulfilling but energy-draining task. Be sure you have what it takes to support your scholar effectively.
I am sure we could draw many other parallels, but if we (because remember, I’m a parent too!) keep these in mind as we begin to prepare for the new school season, we can more efficiently support our scholars into having a successful school year. And if we make adjustments as we go - monitoring, assessing, and shifting- we can use these concepts and skills throughout our children’s school careers to support student success.
LaTanya S. Sothern has been an educator for over 25 years. She is a passionate supporter of children and ensuring equity in education for all students. A native Washingtonian, she holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Public Communication and Economics from American University and a Master of Arts in Teaching with a concentration in Early Childhood Education from Howard University. She is currently pursuing her doctorate in School System Leadership at the University of Maryland College Park. Ms. Sothern is certified in Early Childhood Education, Special Education, and School Administration, and is National Board Certified as an Early Childhood Generalist. She serves as a Principal in Prince George's County Public Schools, where her instructional leadership has also included district-wide professional development, mentoring teachers, and creative community outreach initiatives. Ms. Sothern is an entrepreneur and a published author of two books that have been featured by both the NAACP and Congressional Black Caucus conventions. Ms. Sothern is the 2018 recipient of the ACHI Magazine DMV Educator of the Year and the American University NAACP Mentor of the Year awards. She and her husband Greg support married couples with special needs children through coaching and mentoring. They have been happily married for over 20 years and reside in Prince George’s County, Maryland with their two sons.
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