Aaron Griffen, Ph.D. @DrAaronJGriffen
Who Owns the Outcome? “Good” and Excellent Parenting vs “Bad” and Poor Parenting
Parenting and School Behavior
@DrAaronJGriffen
Dr. Michael Robinson: In what ways is it possible for “good” parents with “excellent” parenting skills have children who exhibit bad behavior in school?
Dr. Aaron Griffen: First, I am of the opinion that there can be no “good” and “excellent” parents without those we have labeled as “bad” and “poor” parents. I have found in education, we label “good” and “excellent” parents as those that have “good” and “excellent” students, who show up to parent conferences, who return emails and phone calls when their child is not behaving “appropriately”, and who do not make scenes at school events. The “bad” and “poor” parents are the opposite. We essentially call the “good” and “excellent” ones as those who do not cause us any trouble or discomfort.
However, as this question suggests, “good” and “excellent” parents have students who exhibit “bad” behavior in school. Nevertheless, I have also found that we tend to excuse these behaviors as anomalies and even shame the child for their “bad” behavior, “You have such wonderful parents, why are you behaving like this”; “You come from a good home, you should show it at school”; and the cue de gra “Your brothers and sisters were so well behaved, why can’t you be like them”. With that said, all parents - not just the “bad” ones – have students who exhibit “bad” behavior in school.
The reason why all parents – “good” and “bad” – have students who exhibit “bad” behavior in school is a matter of semantics, perceptions, and comfort. From a semantics angle, “What counts as bad?” Is it bad for a male to dump out his back pack on the floor to search for his house key?
Is it bad for a female to smack her lips and roll her eyes? Is it bad for two cousins to see each other, run down the hall, and hug each other, laughing loudly?” Let’s be clear, some educators would label this as bad, which takes us to perception. When educators who are not culturally responsive and do not have any sort of cultural consciousness (Gay), the two cousins running towards each other screaming may be construed as “disruptive”, “defiant”, “unruly”, and yes “aggressive”. The female’s smacking of lips and rolling eyes is seen as “sassy”, “rude”, “disrespectful”, and “aggressive”. The male dumping his back pack on the floor is seen as “disruptive”, “defiant”, “unruly”, “rude”, and “aggressive”. Therefore “bad” is a label in the eyes of the beholder depending on one’s comfort level.
The back pack dumping most definitely bothers the teacher whose approach to classroom management is clean, orderliness, breathing and talking on rhythm (yes, breathing and talking on rhythm), and never deviating from the calmness that is expected in “my classroom”. For the teachers who show up daily in fear of the students they are serving, the running and screaming produce a heightened state of discomfort, which produces a heightened sense of tension, which then begets anger and more fear. Lastly, the smacking of the lips and rolling of the eyes gets to the “How dare you challenge my power as the authority over you…look at me when I am talking to you…don’t dismiss what I am saying because I know how to help you”
All three examples are only exemplars of how semantics, perception and comfort result in “good” and “excellent” parents have students who exhibit “bad” behaviors. If one was to describe the behaviors of these students, I will willing to gander that most would not attribute these be White affluent students. I never mentioned the race, culture or ethnicity of the students. I only shared behaviors of students I have observed from White affluent students as well as Black and Brown students (and yes, Asian students too). The issue is not a question of how do “good” and “excellent” parents have students who exhibit “bad” behaviors, the question is why do we as educators label “badness” in children that we do ourselves as adults – on a daily? It is because of Control. We want to control the bodies and experiences of others. Calling them “bad” helps us feel better about our gaps in “good” and “excellent” behavior.
Dr. Michael Robinson: Should “good” parents/parenting be held responsible for the bad behavior of their children in school?
Dr. Aaron Griffen: All parents should be responsible for their children “good” or “bad”. Whether performing well or poorly, parents should be considered responsible for this outcome. Equally is the students’ teachers and school leaders. One cannot stake the claim of positive results for children if one will not also own the negative results. It is an interesting dynamic that when students do poorly, depending on the population, the school is to blame. Yet when students do well, depending on the population, then it is the result of “good” parenting and “good” teaching. Therefore, who is responsible for the “bad” then? Fingers often point to an “other” as responsible for anything considered “bad”. True leadership and parenting is holding oneself accountable for both results and specifically owning when the negative outcomes are the result of our action and inaction.
Dr. Michael Robinson: How can or should educators assist parents who are struggling with the behaviors of their children?
Dr. Aaron Griffen: The key to supporting parents who struggle with the behaviors of their children is to partner. No parent wants an educator to tell them how they should be raising their child no more than an educator wants a parent telling them how to teach or lead a school. The key to for parents and educators to work together in a mutual partnership toward to improvement of the whole child, one where the child receives consistency between both environments.
For example, during a conversation I held recently with Dr. Dereck Robinson, the University of Memphis, I shared how my wife and I are very intentional in partnering with our son’s teachers. We have found that our intentional partnering has been replicated by most of their teachers throughout their education. The rare occasions where teachers were not consistent with their partnership, our boys developed some “bad” behaviors despite us being told we are “good” parents. My wife would often lament, “I feel horrible that our son is behaving poorly”. We learned that when the school and we are not in mutual partnership and agreement (fully aligned), our boys suffer from inconsistency. Therefore it is key that the expectations for homework and classwork are modeled at home while expectations for appropriate behaviors and are followed at the school. Only together can schools and parents make this happen. It is not a one way, “Let me make some recommendations”. It is a “How can we work together to make the whole children successful academically, socially and cognitively.
However, as Dr. Robinson and I noted during our conversation, my wife and I are both educators who partner with parents for a living as a part of our roles. We have some privileges that other parents to do not have. For example, we work one job and are home when our children are home. We see them off to school because we are at work during the same hours when they are at school. We share the majority of their school break (summer, spring break, New Year, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Labor Day, Presidents Day, Columbus Day, Martin Luther King Birthday, etc. We know the policies of the school systems because we have helped design those policies throughout our career as educators. In addition, we both hold higher degrees, meaning we are trained administrators and have both served as administrators who developed parent involvement and engagement programs at our respective schools. Lastly, because we are salaried employees, often, if we need to go to the school and visit, we can.
There is a multitude of parents who do not have that privilege. They work two or three jobs, work overnight and may be sleep when children go to school, can’t leave work to go to the school because they are hourly (and the employer will not allow them to leave work). There have been instances where employers have threatened termination if the school called a parents job. So, for educators who get upset when a parent says “Don’t call me at work”, that is because our businesses are not supporting our parents in the educational lives of their children. We have parents who suffer from mental illness such as depression, PTSD, and some type of trauma. Again, it amazes me how we villainize our most needy and exploited parents as incapable, “poor”, or “bad” parents then sympathize with our least needy parents when they have the same issues.
My point is yes, parents have their accountability. But, schools and educators have to partner with parents. There are some very “good” parents who do not fit the definition of “good”. Their children are loved, nurtured, and protected, yet the parent never comes to the PTO meeting.
The parent never comes to the Back to School Night. The parent is frustrated and upset when the school calls. These are the parents, I have heard, “do not care about their children’s education”. Really? Try telling them you are retaining their child or their child will not graduate. Tell them that their child is stupid and dumb – see if they care? Oh, they care.
They just do not have the time as privileged parents have to show they care. And, what does caring about ones child’s education look and sound like: Paying off SAT proctors; having others take your child’s SAT, or claiming your child has special needs or a child of color to get special admissions. Is this what we deem a “good” parent? Again, the most privileged among us do some things for which we jail and villainize the neediest, most marginalized, and most exploited parents we work with.
Therefore, to support parents, education as a whole needs to hold employers, businesses, and companies accountable for implementing policies that punish parents for supporting their children’s education. Companies should implement parent support hours that allow parents to leave work to support their child’s education. This would support both parents and school with their partnerships. We simply cannot have parents having to choose between staying at work and leaving to see their sick child in the nurse’s office.
Educators in school buildings know this is an often occurrence, where a parent cannot leave their job for fear of termination and loss of wages by leaving work to come to the school for a conference or to simply see their child at the nurse. There has to be more than the bottom line for businesses. One paid hour of time for a parent to visit their child’s school during the day is not to going to suddenly be the undoing of business profits for the CEO and the stakeholders – I bet they spend time at their child’s schools. Shouldn’t they allow the same for their employees?
As schools, we then need to set up alternative times for parents to partner with us. Ask the parent the best time, and make it happened - even if it means meeting on a Saturday, a Sunday, at 6 a.m. or even at 7 p.m. The goal is to meet the needs of the parent as a supporter of their children’s education not to villainize them because they can’t meet our schedule. For school events such as PTO, Back to School Night, etc., make attempts to hold these at times where most of your parents would be able to attend. A survey of parents would provide a wealth of information. Ask your frequently absent parents how we can support them being present at the next meeting – start with one meeting at a time. Yes, this means knowing your parents enough to know who is least likely to be present due to scheduling.
Provide childcare, if possible, for parents with small children and feed the parents. When my wife and I go to events, I am looking for the punch, chips, and cake. My children’s last school served watermelon wedges. It does not matter the socio-economic status, parents want a snack or meal when they come to the school for events, period. Make enough for families. At my high school, when I was principal, we grilled hot dogs and hamburgers and provided chips, cookies, and drinks. The administration team and I grilled the burgers and hot dogs while the front office staff served. The teachers could then mingle with parents, answer questions and enjoy the comradery. Our parents enjoyed a simple meal, could be eaten with one hand on a paper plate that could be shared with the entire family. Partnerships with your local supermarkets support this effort.
Dr. Aaron Griffen: First, I am of the opinion that there can be no “good” and “excellent” parents without those we have labeled as “bad” and “poor” parents. I have found in education, we label “good” and “excellent” parents as those that have “good” and “excellent” students, who show up to parent conferences, who return emails and phone calls when their child is not behaving “appropriately”, and who do not make scenes at school events. The “bad” and “poor” parents are the opposite. We essentially call the “good” and “excellent” ones as those who do not cause us any trouble or discomfort.
However, as this question suggests, “good” and “excellent” parents have students who exhibit “bad” behavior in school. Nevertheless, I have also found that we tend to excuse these behaviors as anomalies and even shame the child for their “bad” behavior, “You have such wonderful parents, why are you behaving like this”; “You come from a good home, you should show it at school”; and the cue de gra “Your brothers and sisters were so well behaved, why can’t you be like them”. With that said, all parents - not just the “bad” ones – have students who exhibit “bad” behavior in school.
The reason why all parents – “good” and “bad” – have students who exhibit “bad” behavior in school is a matter of semantics, perceptions, and comfort. From a semantics angle, “What counts as bad?” Is it bad for a male to dump out his back pack on the floor to search for his house key?
Is it bad for a female to smack her lips and roll her eyes? Is it bad for two cousins to see each other, run down the hall, and hug each other, laughing loudly?” Let’s be clear, some educators would label this as bad, which takes us to perception. When educators who are not culturally responsive and do not have any sort of cultural consciousness (Gay), the two cousins running towards each other screaming may be construed as “disruptive”, “defiant”, “unruly”, and yes “aggressive”. The female’s smacking of lips and rolling eyes is seen as “sassy”, “rude”, “disrespectful”, and “aggressive”. The male dumping his back pack on the floor is seen as “disruptive”, “defiant”, “unruly”, “rude”, and “aggressive”. Therefore “bad” is a label in the eyes of the beholder depending on one’s comfort level.
The back pack dumping most definitely bothers the teacher whose approach to classroom management is clean, orderliness, breathing and talking on rhythm (yes, breathing and talking on rhythm), and never deviating from the calmness that is expected in “my classroom”. For the teachers who show up daily in fear of the students they are serving, the running and screaming produce a heightened state of discomfort, which produces a heightened sense of tension, which then begets anger and more fear. Lastly, the smacking of the lips and rolling of the eyes gets to the “How dare you challenge my power as the authority over you…look at me when I am talking to you…don’t dismiss what I am saying because I know how to help you”
All three examples are only exemplars of how semantics, perception and comfort result in “good” and “excellent” parents have students who exhibit “bad” behaviors. If one was to describe the behaviors of these students, I will willing to gander that most would not attribute these be White affluent students. I never mentioned the race, culture or ethnicity of the students. I only shared behaviors of students I have observed from White affluent students as well as Black and Brown students (and yes, Asian students too). The issue is not a question of how do “good” and “excellent” parents have students who exhibit “bad” behaviors, the question is why do we as educators label “badness” in children that we do ourselves as adults – on a daily? It is because of Control. We want to control the bodies and experiences of others. Calling them “bad” helps us feel better about our gaps in “good” and “excellent” behavior.
Dr. Michael Robinson: Should “good” parents/parenting be held responsible for the bad behavior of their children in school?
Dr. Aaron Griffen: All parents should be responsible for their children “good” or “bad”. Whether performing well or poorly, parents should be considered responsible for this outcome. Equally is the students’ teachers and school leaders. One cannot stake the claim of positive results for children if one will not also own the negative results. It is an interesting dynamic that when students do poorly, depending on the population, the school is to blame. Yet when students do well, depending on the population, then it is the result of “good” parenting and “good” teaching. Therefore, who is responsible for the “bad” then? Fingers often point to an “other” as responsible for anything considered “bad”. True leadership and parenting is holding oneself accountable for both results and specifically owning when the negative outcomes are the result of our action and inaction.
Dr. Michael Robinson: How can or should educators assist parents who are struggling with the behaviors of their children?
Dr. Aaron Griffen: The key to supporting parents who struggle with the behaviors of their children is to partner. No parent wants an educator to tell them how they should be raising their child no more than an educator wants a parent telling them how to teach or lead a school. The key to for parents and educators to work together in a mutual partnership toward to improvement of the whole child, one where the child receives consistency between both environments.
For example, during a conversation I held recently with Dr. Dereck Robinson, the University of Memphis, I shared how my wife and I are very intentional in partnering with our son’s teachers. We have found that our intentional partnering has been replicated by most of their teachers throughout their education. The rare occasions where teachers were not consistent with their partnership, our boys developed some “bad” behaviors despite us being told we are “good” parents. My wife would often lament, “I feel horrible that our son is behaving poorly”. We learned that when the school and we are not in mutual partnership and agreement (fully aligned), our boys suffer from inconsistency. Therefore it is key that the expectations for homework and classwork are modeled at home while expectations for appropriate behaviors and are followed at the school. Only together can schools and parents make this happen. It is not a one way, “Let me make some recommendations”. It is a “How can we work together to make the whole children successful academically, socially and cognitively.
However, as Dr. Robinson and I noted during our conversation, my wife and I are both educators who partner with parents for a living as a part of our roles. We have some privileges that other parents to do not have. For example, we work one job and are home when our children are home. We see them off to school because we are at work during the same hours when they are at school. We share the majority of their school break (summer, spring break, New Year, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Labor Day, Presidents Day, Columbus Day, Martin Luther King Birthday, etc. We know the policies of the school systems because we have helped design those policies throughout our career as educators. In addition, we both hold higher degrees, meaning we are trained administrators and have both served as administrators who developed parent involvement and engagement programs at our respective schools. Lastly, because we are salaried employees, often, if we need to go to the school and visit, we can.
There is a multitude of parents who do not have that privilege. They work two or three jobs, work overnight and may be sleep when children go to school, can’t leave work to go to the school because they are hourly (and the employer will not allow them to leave work). There have been instances where employers have threatened termination if the school called a parents job. So, for educators who get upset when a parent says “Don’t call me at work”, that is because our businesses are not supporting our parents in the educational lives of their children. We have parents who suffer from mental illness such as depression, PTSD, and some type of trauma. Again, it amazes me how we villainize our most needy and exploited parents as incapable, “poor”, or “bad” parents then sympathize with our least needy parents when they have the same issues.
My point is yes, parents have their accountability. But, schools and educators have to partner with parents. There are some very “good” parents who do not fit the definition of “good”. Their children are loved, nurtured, and protected, yet the parent never comes to the PTO meeting.
The parent never comes to the Back to School Night. The parent is frustrated and upset when the school calls. These are the parents, I have heard, “do not care about their children’s education”. Really? Try telling them you are retaining their child or their child will not graduate. Tell them that their child is stupid and dumb – see if they care? Oh, they care.
They just do not have the time as privileged parents have to show they care. And, what does caring about ones child’s education look and sound like: Paying off SAT proctors; having others take your child’s SAT, or claiming your child has special needs or a child of color to get special admissions. Is this what we deem a “good” parent? Again, the most privileged among us do some things for which we jail and villainize the neediest, most marginalized, and most exploited parents we work with.
Therefore, to support parents, education as a whole needs to hold employers, businesses, and companies accountable for implementing policies that punish parents for supporting their children’s education. Companies should implement parent support hours that allow parents to leave work to support their child’s education. This would support both parents and school with their partnerships. We simply cannot have parents having to choose between staying at work and leaving to see their sick child in the nurse’s office.
Educators in school buildings know this is an often occurrence, where a parent cannot leave their job for fear of termination and loss of wages by leaving work to come to the school for a conference or to simply see their child at the nurse. There has to be more than the bottom line for businesses. One paid hour of time for a parent to visit their child’s school during the day is not to going to suddenly be the undoing of business profits for the CEO and the stakeholders – I bet they spend time at their child’s schools. Shouldn’t they allow the same for their employees?
As schools, we then need to set up alternative times for parents to partner with us. Ask the parent the best time, and make it happened - even if it means meeting on a Saturday, a Sunday, at 6 a.m. or even at 7 p.m. The goal is to meet the needs of the parent as a supporter of their children’s education not to villainize them because they can’t meet our schedule. For school events such as PTO, Back to School Night, etc., make attempts to hold these at times where most of your parents would be able to attend. A survey of parents would provide a wealth of information. Ask your frequently absent parents how we can support them being present at the next meeting – start with one meeting at a time. Yes, this means knowing your parents enough to know who is least likely to be present due to scheduling.
Provide childcare, if possible, for parents with small children and feed the parents. When my wife and I go to events, I am looking for the punch, chips, and cake. My children’s last school served watermelon wedges. It does not matter the socio-economic status, parents want a snack or meal when they come to the school for events, period. Make enough for families. At my high school, when I was principal, we grilled hot dogs and hamburgers and provided chips, cookies, and drinks. The administration team and I grilled the burgers and hot dogs while the front office staff served. The teachers could then mingle with parents, answer questions and enjoy the comradery. Our parents enjoyed a simple meal, could be eaten with one hand on a paper plate that could be shared with the entire family. Partnerships with your local supermarkets support this effort.